dear nelle

I thought I'd share with you a letter I wrote today to a friend, a fellow project manager from my old job...

Dear Nelle,

Thanks for your email, I must confess it made me quite teary. Lately (this last week especially) I've been missing everyone very much. I think getting back from my little holiday last week made me feel like the holiday is over, and now I'm out on my own. I'm actually not coming back to work. The realisation has soaked down into another layer.

I've been distracting myself and keeping busy; playing music (which reminds me, I need to get new music), staying active, settling into a routine of sorts. Still, I miss the banter and the laughter at work and the stimulation that those provide.

Surrendering to how organic this new process is has been proving quite a challenge. My lists and drawn up plans are all sliding away (no matter how tightly I grip), as I learn that I neglected to assign enough time to the 'research and development' phase.

Six weeks can you believe?! By now I was suppose to have my 3 sites up and rolling (update photo site, create portfolio site, and an online store) and a whole stack of business cards to flick about. I envisaged knuckling down and getting these up straight away, leaving me time to concentrate on the creative “making things” side of it all. I should have known better. On the rare occasions that I was able to plan, design, write copy and build 3 sites in a few weeks, it has only been due to the small army of ants waiting in the wings. Antless, I’m proving to be a slow fastidious designer, a procrastinating copywriter and a frustrated project manager. The programmer is still to be seen!

The “making things” plan has slowed right down. I’ve finished a range of Christmas tags and a few small brooches, and there’s a small pile of other stuff poised, halted, waiting at around 85% complete. It doesn't feel anywhere near enough.

Due to this under-whelming (and in a way overwhelming) achievement I’ve been apprehensive about contacting people. I feel like after 6 weeks I should have SO much more to show for myself. Then, something happened to help pull my head into gear. Someone asked me how I’m enjoying life at home. My immediate response was “Frustrating! I’m not getting enough done. It’s all taking too long.”
“Whoah! Chill out” They replied. It shocked me.

I realised that although I am frustrated it’s the frustration that’s overwhelming me, not all of the tasks that are incomplete. If I push that aside I’m actually feeling relaxed, replenished, rewarded, very happy and incredibly privileged to be having this time. This is such a rare opportunity, and I’m spoiling it by making it feel hard instead of enjoying the flow and the process. Why is it that nice feelings so often go un-noticed, bullied away by the yucky feelings? Like I said, remaining aware and kind is proving a challenge.

I’m up to week 4 of the Artisits Way (I missed 2 weeks while I was away). It’s the week of reading deprivation and it’s hard. The most difficult part of this is not reading blogs; my only source of company and companionship at the moment. I’m not doing very well, but I’m tryng. I think the main aim of this exercise is to empty your mind of those things that fill it up creating mind clutter, the sitting and procrastinating that stops you from doing. So I’ve been staying away from the computer as much as I can, keeping active this week. Activity, activity, activity. The symptom of doing this is my own thoughts filling the void, my busy busy thoughts keeping me awake at night.

I’ve learnt that I’m lacking an off switch. When I was working, I was very good at casting off the work day on my way home, by the time I got home work was left behind. I need to discover a way to do that here too. I’m looking forward to next week when I can read myself to sleep again and drown out my ever-buzzing mind.

... it continues, but you get the jist. That'll do.