rain

My Illustration Friday attempt for "rain".

It has stopped for the past 3 days, but before that it had been raining here for weeks.

tempted?

Right now I wish I had a web cam set up on each of your faces ready to take a quick snap at the very moment you spy this pic. I’m laughing already, partly because of the funniness, the other part is pure nervousness as I wonder if this is the point where I finally lose all my online friends, once and for all.

Wait! Before you think to yourself “I thought this girl was sweet and wholesome… turns out she’s a freaky-pervert-sicko” and snap your browser closed, please, let me explain.

I innocently happened across this in one of my art supply boxes the other day.
“Yeah? Well how did it get there?” I hear you ask.
Okay, fair question.

Some years ago a I did a photoshoot for a friend (a talented dancing and singing camp gay man) for his promotional material. As a thank-you he gave me a hamper. A normal hamper, as hampers go, you know crackers, olives, relish, chocolates, a bottle of wine… OH! And this totally weird set of "Temptation edible body paint, in 4 devine flavours"!

I have no idea where he bought the hamper from, or if he knew this was in there; all I can think of is he must have accidentally picked up the ‘honeymoon’ hamper instead of the ‘thanking a friend for a non-sexual favour” hamper he intended to.

At first I was shocked, then confused, then embarrassed then I just laughed.

Have a look, (if you can bare) she’s a friendly lady isn’t she? And doesn’t she pull off that early 90’s Warrant groupy look so well? Isn’t good to see that even though she misplaced her bra, those sensible big white nickers were handy? And how about that wonderful landscape she’s painting?

I laughed even more when I opened it up to see what the paints actually looked like. OMG, they cannot seriously be edible! What exactly is ‘blue heaven’ flavour? They look like radioactive waste. Even if I was feeling kinky enough to try it, I certainly would think twice about letting that stuff come in contact with human skin, let alone eating it!

What’s wrong with chocolate anyway? Can’t go wrong with chocolate!
(Having said that, a guy at work told us a story of over ambitiously coating his girlfriend in chocolate body paint, methodically starting at her hand then being too sick to continue by the time he got to her elbow. The less-than-sexy attempt ended with him sending her away to shower the rest off herself).

Back to the radioactive waste…
I was too scared to throw it out in case it fell out of the bin on rubbish night, ending up in the neighbours garden, forcing them to start a petition against us, thinking we’re swingers with a keen but low-brow interest in art. That’s how it ended up in one of my less regularly accessed art boxes, and there it will stay I suppose.

That is until I’m brave enough to sell it on ebay! It’d gain loads of interest don’t you think?

(p.s. I never did mentioned it to the friend who gave me the hamper. We’ve since lost contact.)
(p.p.s. I wanted to post the images bigger for added shock value, but was concerned about hate mail from protective mothers)

studio sales

Just went to the Corban & Blair studio sale and picked up a little bunch of 'pretty'. Some printed fabric and a leather embossed purse. Then popped next door to Poco Profile studio sale and picked up a couple of cards and bookmarks.

The fabric is for my ever increasing stash and the rest will go in the 'gift box' (which I don't have yet, but it's a good idea don't you think? I'm so very good at accumulating things, I'm sure it's a much better way to shop than a mad dash around the overcrowded shops on Christmas eve.) Knowing me I'll stash them somewhere, forget all about it, still do the mad dash on Christmas eve, and find all this stuff in about 4 years time.

In other news I'm still waiting for my sewing machine to come home. They told me the service wouldn't take any more than a week, it's now been 11 DAYS! I keep having visions of my poor little sewing machine bitching to the service team about how I beat it with a pink cushion, showing them it's bruises, and begging to live with them. I bet it's in a witness protection program already, wearing a scarf and dark glasses, hiding away in the safety of some elderly womans' sewing room way out in Waga Waga.

the baby formery known as...

My Illustration Friday attempt for "dance".

One of my best memories from when we visited Lacey-T, Pat and baby Ikelberry in Adelaide last week was baby Ikelberry dancing.

While I was trying on and then buying this totally awesome shirt, she busted out some cool moves to "Lets go crazy" and "Purple Rain" from Prince's Purple Rain album (which was playing loudly in the store). She was dangling in a 'babybjorn' at the time, but this only aided her fancy footwork. So impressive!
(Note: Top half of baby dressed by Prince's wardrobe. Bottom half, model's own).

Before I sign out I feel a little more deserves to be said about this shirt. At first glance it looks like a pretty, feminine blouse, that is until you notice the stratocasters on either shoulder! ROCKIN!

go go nymphettes

Thinking about this week’s Illustration Friday theme “dance”, I remembered an experience in my life that I’m quite sure up to now I must have repressed.

A bit of background…
I love dancing, can’t get enough of it, I’ve loved it as long as I can remember and I do it any chance I can get (except at gigs cause that’s uncool). I bop around the kitchen (while I’m waiting for my toast to pop), I love watching it and I love learning new ones. I loved learning how to tango and now I really really want to learn how to rock’n’roll dance (if I could just convince Mr You…)
You could say I’m mad for it!

So, when my friend Fi called to ask if her and a friend (lets call her Gwen) could stay at my place, as they were going to a dance workshop nearby, and would I like to come too, I was pretty excited. This was back when I was still at Uni and Fi went to Uni in a different state. I was excited to see her, to meet one of her new friends and of course about the prospect of dance. Fi is good fun but also has a lot of dignity, so when she told me the dance workshop was called “Go Go Nymphettes” I knew it wasn’t going to be any smutty thrusting or pole dancing. She told me that Gwen had done it once before and loved it.

To be honest I didn’t really know what to expect of “Go-Go Nymphettes”, I was thinking Dee-Lite or Kylie in gold hotpants or something cute and a bit “kitten” if you catch my drift.

It was all planned, then I got a call from Fi at work right before I was about to leave to meet them. She said Gwen had told her a bit more about it, and that she didn’t think she was up for it as she was a bit tired (she may have even told me she had a headache), but Gwen would still meet me as planned.

I found a lady who matched Gwen’s description, introduced myself and together we went to find this “dance” workshop. (Note at this point I start to implement sarcastic quotation marks around the word “dance”).

It was in a big hall, only 5 of us plus the teacher, all women. I was the only one who hadn’t done it before. They all looked like nice prim and proper office workers. We got changed into our “dance” gear, I had track pants and a t-shirt, the others didn’t. One wore pantyhose over her undies and a bra, and nothing else. A little perplexed, I just thought she must have left her gold hotpants at home accidentally… at first.

Oh, I don’t even know how to describe what when on next, other than to say I couldn’t believe it lasted for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, and I still to this day don’t know why I didn’t walk out or how I managed to contain the uncontrollable laughter that I had to purse my lips hard to constrict.

If I did have to describe it to someone I guess my synopsis would be something like:
Eyes Wide Shut Orgy meets “Interpretive Dance” for those who are loooong overdue for a damn good shag, and spend waaaaaay too much time alone and horny.

The bits I do remember were such wonderful moments as:

1 - One at a time having to “move” from one end of the room to the other expressing the music through “movement”, (from memory because I was new they wanted me to go first to give me a chance to “express” cleanly). I did a safe but snappy step touch, step touch click jazzy kinda thing (thinking you can’t go wrong with a step touch). The bits I clearly missed were completely ignoring the beat, having my eyes closed, rubbing my hands all over myself while moving like a jellyfish being washed up on the shore and moaning, loudly. (I was already mentally preparing myself to make a run for it when the candid camera crew burst out from behind a curtain. It never happened.)

2 - Having to pair up, one gal lying on her back with her eyes closed, the other gal taking hold of her ankles, pushing them up towards her body and then away from it over and over, rocking the reclining gal up and down as though she’s being shagged. Oh, and more moaning, eyes closed of course. (KILL ME NOW!) I remember when I was the rocker having the teacher tell me to put more “thrust” into it, and when I was being rocked I lip-synced the sound parts, all Milli Vanilli like.

3 - The one I found most unforgettable was an extension of this. When it was my turn, laying on my back with my eyes shut as tight as I could, they were now apparently trying to connect with my body through sound and movement. The teacher prompted them to connect with the outer layer of my body; they played with my hair, blew on my skin and rubbed their hands over me.
Then the teacher prompted them to connect with my muscles and tendons; they massaged, someone twisted their finger between each of my toes, and they rolled on me, all at once. But it got worse. The teacher, now getting in there with them prompted them to connect with my bones and organs. I WAS TERRIFIED. They pulled my arms and legs, and twisted my head and kept on rolling on me until the whole group was a giant ball of slow squirmy worms and had manipulated it’s way (with me inside) all around the room. The teacher in there too whispering into my legs and hips “Bone Bone Bitty Bitty Bone” AARRRRRHHHHH


I can’t believe I’m telling you this, I’m freaking out just writing it! No wonder I have personal space issues – I’m injured people. Damaged by those freaky succubus’s.

Then just when I thought the hell had come to an end we had to sit in a circle and “CRITIQUE” THE WHOLE FREAKY EXPERIENCE, FOR ANOTHER HALF HOUR.

This is when the “teacher” chose to tell us that she was actually an academic writing a thesis on the ways women explore their own sensuality and pleasure zones without the influence of men.

Was she experimenting on us!????

By the end I was wishing there HAD been a pole! (I think I may have said that out loud too).

Don't get the wrong idea (if that's possible), it wasn't actually an orgy or even smutty, it was actually all just way too "earth mother goddess" for my liking. Ladies who like to connect with their inner Gaia and all that.

Afterwards Gwen and I walked home, silently and awkwardly. I was in shock and she could tell I was contemplating dashing to a tabloid to sell my exposé for a wad of cash.

We got home. Fi had been at my place reading a good book and chatting to Mr You. As soon as we came inside she could see the despair in my eye, and I could see the guilt in hers. Nothing was said. I showered for a very long time.

The very moment they left the next morning I burst out laughing. I laughed and laughed uncontrollably for what would have been at least 20 mins. I was in pain from laughing so much. I leaked a bucket load of tears all while Mr You now laughing along but not knowing why, watched on. All I could mutter to him through my hysteria was “Bitty Bitty Bone!”

trailblazers

Just got back from a 4 day trip to Adelaide (it must seem like we're always away, but we're not really. this one was planned a while ago). We went to South Australia for the first time to visit our good friends Pat and Lacey-T who moved there last year.

They are the first amonst our friends who have moved away to settle down, who have had a baby, and who bought their own house. They're so brave and grown-up.

We had a lovely time with them looking around the city and surrounds, as they did their darndest to sell the city's highlights and convince us to move there.

I must say after spending only 4 days with baby Ikelberry I'm feeling all baby mooshy. (She has amazing bright red hair and is stopped by so many passing people on the streets you end up feeling like you're in the company of a rockstar; A 9 month old baby-rockstar).

Lacey convinced me that I'd be fine holding Ikelberry after she admitted that she too has beaten her sewing machine on more than one occasion and still manages to be an awesome mum. I'm feeling relieved and much less guilty now.

Just quietly I had a little sob on the plane on the way home - I'm really going to miss them.

crisis over

Well, a-hem (stand's up, wipes face, smoothes hair down and dusts herself off), feeling much better now thank-you (blushing).

Sorry for that outburst and thank-you for your kind comments. I was on the verge of buying a new sewing machine, but from many accounts new machines are prone to exactly the same issues. So the other night after my teensy-weensy fit, I made a yummy dinner, watched a bit of TV and tried again. Do you know it worked?!!! Yes, that little tease of a machine just decided to go back to working all over again, like nothing ever happened. Hussy!

I took advantage, sat up late and finished this "Pink Tree's" bag that I started months ago...

(still has a few finishing touches to go, I feel it needs a button)

Then the next day the same scenario happened all over again. I woke up happy and excited about sewing, 4 mins in it lockup up and went loopy once more. This time I remembered all your wise words . I took a deep breath, got out the short scew driver and pulled the whole machine apart. I gave it a good clean out, I blew hard into the nooks I couldn't reach, and even gave it a good shake. I spoke to it with encouraging words and a gentle tone, and VOILA, it worked! (did I pass the test?)

It wasn't brilliant, but it was good enough. Today I'll look into getting it serviced and give that a try before contemplating buying a new one.
Anyway, I didn't get started on the bag I'm suppose to make for Ria, and I didn't start Shoofly's bag either, but I did finally get around to finishing the "Flame Tree's" bag I started AGES ago. And I'm really happy with it. It's well made and looks really cute.

So a few tree bags to get the ball rolling, slowly... there's no rush.

I'm the epitome of patience.

Just call me Zen.

Hear That Universe!

(wax on ... wax off)