csi: stoners revenge

I’ve been a total sook this week. I really need to try and get some “cred” back after being such a GIRLS BLOWSE.

So, how ‘bout them Jets? Hold that thought while I crack myself a brewski. Hey, pull my finger! It’ll be funny, go on!

Not convinced? Alright then, so get this…

PART 1:
In an effort to alleviate a bit of our collective “our Prime Minister is a dumb un-eco knob” guilt, we’ve made an effort to “green” up our office this year. We’ve been opening the windows and switching off the A/C, we’ve adopted better recycling, we’ve decked the place out with stacks of plants, and we got a bokashi bucket. (This is a type of indoor compost system that works via fermentation). So we feel good about ourselves, but the office has a very stinky corner.

If the bokashi was tended to daily, as it’s supposed to be, it apparently wouldn’t smell, or grow knee-high fungus. But ours isn’t, and it does. In fact it’s dam-right rank! So we keep it sealed tightly shut and dare each other not to gag when we open it to put food scraps inside.
What, with that and the rubber band gun, it’s just like an episode of Jackass!

PART 2:
A couple of weeks ago we got a painter to come in and paint the walls in our office. He told us he’d be able to get it done on Friday and Saturday, so we’d be back to normal on Monday.

Friday: He came in painted a couple of walls and kicked a bucket of white paint over dark grey carpet. I spent the afternoon on the phone begging carpet cleaners to drop everything come immediately.

Saturday: He didn’t turn up. Said he was a bit tired.

Monday: He arrived around 11am STONED OFF HIS NUT, did about 2 hrs work, smiled and nodded a LOT, then disappeared. By this stage we were baffled by our bosses’ patience, but the whole scenario was still pretty laughable and highly amusing. (especially because the painter was up to was the bright orange feature wall, which must have been spinning him right out).

Tuesday: We arrived at work and discovered that the safe had been attacked with a crow bar. They mangled it pretty badly, but didn’t get into it. Once again this was inconvenient, but still pretty humourous considering the only things in the safe are an old contract with an ex-client, and a Microsoft certificate for something outdated. Meanwhile everything of great value, including a room full of computers, laptops, and a few iPods were left untouched.
The painter never showed up that day.

Wednesday: The painter showed up, finished the job and left. Although it seemed suspicious, we ruled him out as the thief for a few logistical reasons, but also because he’s generally way too stoned to have enough co-ordination to even attempt to crack into a safe.

Thursday: No leads.

Friday: The painter shows back up with a friend dressed in a taxi driver's uniform to pick up his gear: paint tins, buckets, rollers, poles, dropsheets and a ladder. Both of them were more ripped than before, and my boss had to coax them out of the lift away from the pretty lights. Once again pretty hilarious.

Today: We notice that the bokashi bucket is missing! So the thief either gave up on the safe and resorted to a bucket of food slops and fungus, OR (and this is a much more likely explanation) the completely stoned painter accidentally took it thinking it was one of his paint buckets.

We laughed so hard today at the thought of him opening the stinky bucket, but being far too wasted to even notice, and probably ending up painting some poor guys wall with the slime within.

Just quietly, I think we're all secretly relieved that the festy bokashi pit of fungus has found a new home.