the edge

Okay, for those of you I haven’t bored to death yet, here’s what’s going on. Monday I marched into work to quit, my boss jumped into action, asked me not to leave, offered all sorts of change and big pay rise and 6 months of backpay and holidays and gave me loads of good feedback etc, etc, etc. Pulled out ALL the stops basically; in a genuine way.
I told him I’d think about it.

Today we spoke again and I told him I’d stay until later in the year. He was so please he hugged me. (Whenever I speak about him here it’s the bad stuff, but he really is a sincere guy with good intentions and is generally a really good boss). I know it may sound like I’ve backed out, and in a way maybe I did, but believe me I thought it through and I’m feeling good about it. (I bought myself a great dress to celebrate).

Love Squalor left me a great comment with a couple of inspiring quotes:
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They said, “We are afraid.”
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They came. He pushed them…& they flew.

I’ve learnt in this last year, that it’s not always easy to identify what it is that we fear. Marching into work with the intention of quitting seemed to me at the time my way of facing my fears about finding a new job. What I discovered on my march is that I was trying to take the easy way out; just leave, not deal with what was making me unhappy, just forget all about it and move on. What I was really afraid of was asking for what I wanted, and saying how I felt. Why do I find that so scary? I do this over and over again in all areas of my life. I never tell people what I’m feeling or ask for things I need or want. Then I get enraged when I can’t make everything happen myself and feel so misunderstood. It all sounds silly when you say it out loud, but for some reason (actually many reasons) I find it to be one of the most difficult things in life.

Something happened on Monday. After waiting all day, I finally built enough courage to tell my boss I needed to talk to him in private. Just asking him that was enough to get me over the hurdle, then I was on a roll, all downhill and easy. It all came out, I told him everything I had secretly wanted to say, and he was attentive and understanding and responded to each one of my concerns and more.

I remembered that I’m not living under my boss’s rule, it’s my life and I have choices and options in all areas. (Did I mention I bought a great dress to celebrate?!)

Sorry to get all ‘Dr Phill’, I needed to respond. I think now I’ll be far less grumpy and get back to being chatty again… I have a new dress and a holiday to look forward to!
Thanks for listening.